This week I was reading a goofy pulpy high-concept paperback from the used bookstore (as I'm wont to do) which imagines various historical figures trapped together in an eternal struggle for control of the afterlife. It is entitled HEROES IN HELL. I kind of wanted to mention this in the context of Election Day, as either it counts as escapist entertainment because everything turned out OK (read: the way I was hoping it would) and therefore I can indulge in silly speculative shoot-em-ups, or it counts as escapist entertainment because everything went wrong (read: I discover I'm part of the 49.5% minority of the electorate instead of the 50.5% majority) and Che Guevara, Hadrian and Machiavelli duking it out with Satan is more pleasant to contemplate than political reality. (Alternate, much more martyrish interpretation: myself and evryone who thinks like me, we are now the real heroes living through hell.) But on the other hand, I didn't want to mention it in any context for fear of jinxing things. So I didn't mention it, didn't jinx Election Day, and everything turned out OK, whew.
Also, back in October when New York imploded in the ALCS I tried very hard to convey to the universe that I could be sanguine about the Yankees losing provided the trade-off was that Obama won in November.
I guess what I'm saying is YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA.
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I don't mean to gloat too much, but I am satisfied with most of the outcomes. But I get that not everyone is. So in the spirit of reconciliation and national unity, I humbly offer
An Open Letter to Anyone Devastated By Obama's Re-Election.
Guys, listen, I understand how you feel. No, seriously, I do. Not in some bleeding-heart, touchy-feely, Clinton-channeling "feel your pain" kind of way that I'm sure Ann Coulter would describe as "faggotty". I mean actual, been-there-done-that ability to relate. The other guy won, upending everything you believed about the ability of a majority of your fellow Americans to recognize how bady things were going in the country and how disastrous four more years of the same executive leadership could posisbly be, leaving you stunned and demoralized? Yeah, that was me (and a hell of a lot of other people) in 2004 when George W. Bush was re-elected. The squandering of global goodwill in the wake of 9/11 was terrible. The Patriot Act was a bad law and the broadening of unchecked presidential powers was worrisome. The systematic deregulation of everything from the financial sector to environmental standards was scary. All obviously brink of the abyss stuff, and we had a chance to turn away, and we didn't. That was a kick in the crotch. Sound familiar?
And then remember how the United States basically imploded, and 2004 was the final presidential election ever, the capstone (more like gravestone) on the Age of Enlightenment's grand experiment in democracy? Remember how nothing ever changed after that and we were permanently trapped in a nightmare world of suffering and ashes? Remember???
Of course you don't, because none of that happened. Despite all the suffocating feelings that life as we knew it was crumbling to pieces all around us, we kept it together, as individuals and as a country. Some things got a bit worse. Some things got better. Some things stayed the same, and then we went to the polls again four years later. And the distribution of leverage among the factions shifted a bit, and things changed. Which means that some things got better, and some got worse, and some stayed the same. I'm reasonably confident in predicting that's gonna be the way the next four years go, too, and the four after that. There is no such thing as a single presidency that can bring this country to its knees, that's the beauty of the system. There can be presidents who intensely piss off whole huge swaths of their constituency, but nothing that can't be course-corrected in due time. Even Supreme Court justices die eventually. In 2004 I didn't fully acknowledge that fact, and I find that deeply embarrassing now. So much so that I kind of want to go back in time and punch that whiny, Bush-second-term-hater in the face, just as much as I want to go back and punch the douchebag high school version of myself who dropped the n-word in a history class discussion of Reconstruction to be edgy and rebellious. And I want to punch that douchebag A LOT. But he was fifteen! '04 me was thirty, so there's a lot less excuse for being so freaking histrionic.
This too shall pass.
Here's a couple extra things to keep in mind: the President really doesn't have that much control over the economy. Before the election most economists were predicting 12 million new jobs would be added over the next four years no matter the outcome on November 6. Kind of adorable that Mittens was promising as President he personally would create 12 million jobs, when really he'd just be taking credit for some natural cycles. And don't get me wrong, I'm sure Obama will help campaign for the Democrat's candidate for president in '16, and I'm sure he'll take some unearned credit for the job creation of the next four years. Politicians, man. But the point is if you think we're going to end up with 27% unemployment and our Chinese debt-holders rationing out food and utilities ... no. We're gonna be all right.
Also, I can't help but notice a lot of people who are rending their garments and gnashing their teeth are saying things like "Stockpile guns while you can, patriotic lovers of liberty!" OK, seriously, guys? You gotta stop with that shit. When I insist that the system works beautifully, the Bill of Rights is a big part of that. All of it, Second Amendment and everything. The Democrats do not want to abolish guns. Assault rifles for private citizens? Yeah, a lot of Democrats would make those illegal if they could, but that's pretty specific. There is no secret plot to disarm the citizenry and then impose a new world order at government-only gunpoint. When you express a deep-seated fear of that, you just sound too dumb for anyone to want to engage with you.
So, keep your guns. And be pissed off that your party is out of power. Those are your rights, and I admit it's a little alarming to me to think about people with both of those in combination, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. You keep telling me that you're a law-abiding citizen whose guns don't endanger anyone, so just go ahead and live up to that. But being pissed off, and having half the country pissed off with you, is not grounds for a revolution, not when peaceful transition of power is guaranteed to be just three years and change away. Be frustrated that things aren't the way you would like them to be. But overall, calm down. Don't insist that all is ruin, because you're wrong. I was wrong when I thought that eight years ago, and I would have appreciated someone telling me so. I'm going to strive to never think that again, because it's pointless and self-defeating. Agreed?
Thanks,
me
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Standing room only on the first VRE home on Election Day, which makes perfect sense as you gotta figure a lot of people either planned all along on leaving early to vote in the afternoon/evening, OR showed up in the morning at the polls, were shocked by the long lines, and decided to come back later and give themselves plenty of time for attempt two. So then the question is, why didn't the VRE plan accordingly and put extra cars on the train? Ah, well.
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For what it's worth, I received most of my results coverage from three sources: Slate's mobile site on my smartphone, NBC, and Comedy Central. At this point in my 21st-century adult life I can't imagine a day when I won't stay up on election night specifically to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. But prior to 11 p.m. I was in Peacock country. Perhaps this was due to a certain amount of partisan homerism loyalty to my beloved Community (back on Thursday nights as of February 7, 2013 woohoo!) or perhaps because Brian Williams strikes me as a stand-up dude (who is, of course, always game to make with the funny tete-a-tetes with Jon Stewart). But honestly I flipped around the networks a few times out of curiosity and I really think NBC was doing the best work with the material.
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From the Vanity Plates Archives: On Election Day, I noticed parked near the polling place a PT Cruiser (seriously, the correlation between owning a PT Cruiser in the first place and obtaining custom tags for it is anecdotally off-the-charts; I dub this the PT KRUZR effect) with tags reading 02BNSTX. "Oh to be in" I get, but is that South Texas? Or Styx? (OR IS THERE REALLY ANY DIFFERENCE? Hiyo!) Or some other shorthand with which I am not familiar?
Then while I was standing in line outside the polls (49 minutes total from the time I got in line until I walked out post-voting) I saw another PT Cruiser, this one a ragtop, with GN2STX tags. I might quibble with the vagary - "gone to"? Or "going to"? - but I was more amazed by the fact that apparently there's a couple who lives in my town who both bought PT Cruisers, and both filed for custom tags which essentially convey the same idea. If I were writing a dissertation, this would be my clincher.
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Finally, something which has nothing to do with Election Day other than a tangential connection to fiscal policy. At one point this week I was logging in to one of my online banking sites and they had an interstitial ad about how it's never too early to teach your children about savings and responsible financial management. Which actually got me thinking, yeah, man, I really gotta get on that. Until I remembered that we're still at the point where responsible financial management includes admonishing the little guy not to put dimes and nickels in his mouth. So, one step at a time.
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